New year-2016

There have been a lot of new year posts on face book over the last few days. I have been thinking about what I would like to wright or even if I would like to wright anything. 

2015 has been such a year of ups and downs ( and when I say that I really mean it!) . Some really bad things have happened. I have had some of my darkest days and also some one close to me died. I have also had some big ups too. I got better, I can say that I got over that hump of my PND ( post/peri natal depression), it is so thing I will always need to keep in check i am not cured but I got better! I made some amazing steps to better my self. I went to a woman's wellbeing weekend. I have (to the best of my ability) helped peach tree ( PND support group). I shared my story with panda in the hopes it helps others. I have started a positive journal that I put all I have learnt in. I am doing mediation.  I feel like I have really taken the first steps to a better me. 

I had a beautiful evening over this New Years were I meet some beautiful people and got to know some others better. We talked about our dreams and our pain. There was no shame, no judging. For so long I have gone to bed before midnight and it's what I needed at the time but this was a perfect symbol of what I want for 2016. I want to grow and change for the better, to share my story, to help others. And while I do this I want people around me that love and support me, so I can love and support them. 

So who knows what the next year holds. But I feel if I stay on this path it is going to be a good one.

How are you?.......

When those crushing waves of nothingness comes over how do you function how do u survive? All I want to do is curl up in bed or wach tv to block it out. How do you get better how do you function when this happens?

I am starting to hate that question that people ask 'how are you?'. Such a normal simple thing to say, but for me such a complicated question. How do you say right this second I am ok, this morning I was upset and shouted at my daughter, then felt guilty for doing so. I constantly feel guilty for shoving her in front of the tv, Tuesday I almost had an axiality attack over some shoes, I cried on Wednesday but then felt better for it, I can't stop worrying that I am not doing enough to run the house hold, are my dinners healthy enough? Guilt over days I use disposable nappies only and when I don't do many activities with N. Some times I just know something is wrong but have no idea what. Now I don't want people to stop asking how I am, I am just trying to explain how hard the question is for me. Wrighting this I am realising that I need to just say that is a hard question to answer or not sure, the answer doesn't have to be good or bad. I have so many people in my life that love me and take care of me I am incredibly blessed. But sometimes I gloss over how I am or how my week has been. I also need to celebrate those good days and try to remember them on the bad ( easer said than done though). 

Sometimes I am just so tired of still struggling. I am coming to terms that what I have on my plate now is all I can manage. Though I do tend to add to the pile with out realising and have to pull back. That was part of why I broke down Wednesday. Also that I am finding it hard with all the changes happening. At the moment they at all good changes that will be great for our family. But it is still hard. 

My aim for the mean time is to add a few little pleasures to life, cups of tea out side, reading, one on one play dates. To not feel like I have to go to every activity every week. As I am wrighting this I am finding it hard to make this list very long, but I can' t because that would me adding a lot to the pile! 

New wallet

I alway have ongoing wallet problems. I did find one I liked but it was $175! Not on the table to spend that kind of money, I decided to try making my own. (I know know why it is so much, a pain to make). But here is my verson.

Here are some photos of me putting it together.

here is my colour combo

making card slots and coin section.

 photo idea section....

putting it together

And all done!!!