I am starting to hate that question that people ask 'how are you?'. Such a normal simple thing to say, but for me such a complicated question. How do you say right this second I am ok, this morning I was upset and shouted at my daughter, then felt guilty for doing so. I constantly feel guilty for shoving her in front of the tv, Tuesday I almost had an axiality attack over some shoes, I cried on Wednesday but then felt better for it, I can't stop worrying that I am not doing enough to run the house hold, are my dinners healthy enough? Guilt over days I use disposable nappies only and when I don't do many activities with N. Some times I just know something is wrong but have no idea what. Now I don't want people to stop asking how I am, I am just trying to explain how hard the question is for me. Wrighting this I am realising that I need to just say that is a hard question to answer or not sure, the answer doesn't have to be good or bad. I have so many people in my life that love me and take care of me I am incredibly blessed. But sometimes I gloss over how I am or how my week has been. I also need to celebrate those good days and try to remember them on the bad ( easer said than done though).
Sometimes I am just so tired of still struggling. I am coming to terms that what I have on my plate now is all I can manage. Though I do tend to add to the pile with out realising and have to pull back. That was part of why I broke down Wednesday. Also that I am finding it hard with all the changes happening. At the moment they at all good changes that will be great for our family. But it is still hard.
My aim for the mean time is to add a few little pleasures to life, cups of tea out side, reading, one on one play dates. To not feel like I have to go to every activity every week. As I am wrighting this I am finding it hard to make this list very long, but I can' t because that would me adding a lot to the pile!
