Coming back

It’s feels so strange sitting down and writing a post again. It’s been a while. A lot has happened. How do I put everything about the last year in a post? Well I’m not going to try but I do want to write about a major part of it and that’s my PND (post natal depression).

It’s been a tough year. I have been continually struggling with my PND. It is a huge part to why we have moved to Brisbane from Melbourne.

I find it very hard to explain, day to day can change so much. A good chunk of the time (thank goodness), I am doing well. This is due to all the support and help I get (you know who you are). But those days that I am not it throws me. Not in a small way, I feel like I am falling and waiting to hit the ground. I will continually stress what everyone thinks of me, did I say or do the right thing? Do they like me? Am I a good mother? Am I a bad mother for giving my daughter the non-organic, home brand sultanas?

And on and on….

I have received so much support and help that I now know I am doing so much better. Looking back on my last tough day I know that I was using my tools I have learned. When I was starting to panic I was able to physically stop myself, close my eyes, and take a few deep breaths. I also was able to use my support I had around me, that day it was my husband. I kept checking in with myself and it was a really good day.

It can be really hard work, and I do give up sometimes, but those days are not happening as often now. An old habit for me is pretending everything is okay and not acknowledging how I am feeling.

I have also started doing things because I want to, not because it furthers my career, or because I was too afraid. I have started going to church again, I now volunteer for the breastfeeding association. I have also stopped buying things because I think I need them, turns out stuff doesn’t make you happy. It also makes for a much less cluttered house!

What I am starting to come to terms with is that there is no cure for this, but I am going to get to the point where it’s not such a big thing. And it wouldn’t happen with out the support of my wonderful husband and all my friends and family.